Trauma is any experience that causes pain, suffering or misery, says I. With great difficulty I am writing this piece, the difficult part is opening up to vulnerability, letting you see the real me and letting go of the concern of what you may think about it. My intention in sharing this is to give you strength, courage and perhaps pull at your heart strings just a little. I have been a rolling stone for many years; chasing the dollar while working for some great companies with good people. Last year I took a job in Danbury Ct and shortly after that cashed in my retirement to open a yoga studio. On the surface it may seem a little crazy but in reality it is a great way to get to know people and build a community. This is my intention behind the yoga studio.
Last week on a flight to British Columbia I watched "Monday's at Racine" this show put me in touch with the finite element of life, It also places me with a feeling of how I can impact the world with the remaining time I have left on the earth, this is what is finite; time. Often as I go about my life I find myself wrapped up in day to day activities, I work as a Project Manager, however; this is not how I want to be defined, instead I want to be known as the man who provides support and comfort to those who are suffering. Now I am not sure how I do this other than to avail myself to others by creating space to serve the community, the community being the world which I live. This takes energy, my energy and the energy of others, every moment we have the opportunity to create or co-create this energy. It can be as simple as eye contact, touch or smile, it can be helping our elders, volunteering at our hospitals, cancer recovery centers, homeless shelters, centers for battered women, reaching out to our military, or as simple as taking the time to listen.
We age every day, and every day new precious life is brought into the world, this is evolution. I turned 50 last year, around the same time I began to notice a pain in my hip. I have had a very active life style and have focused much of my attention on being active. The pain in my hip really never improved so I sought medical advice I went to an orthopedic specialist who x-rayed my hip and advised that I had arthritis. I continued my active lifestyle; practicing yoga, playing basketball; basketball was the worse; after playing I suffered greatly, as I tried to sleep I experienced tremendous sharp stabbing pain in my hip, I knew this was a bigger problem. I went to see my Primary Doctor (PCP) and what I wanted was an MRI or CT scan, after dealing with the insurance we received approval for the CT scan. The CT procedure was pretty simple, I requested a copy of the scan and googled "how to read a CT Scan" well this was not very fruitful impossible for me to know and to know I mean have the real knowledge of truth about what is going on. Dr Pelligrino my PCP read the results and told me I have severe Osteoarthritis. What came up for me was denial, not me, I am invincible, well my hip hasn't gotten any better. Then I thought I should go back to the orthopedic surgeon for his evaluation even perhaps get a few opinions. The result was the same.
Depression set in as the reality that I am going to need my hip replaced. I mask this really well, I don't want you to know I am suffering, I don't know how to ask for help; perhaps this post and every word that leaks out of my mouth is the plea for help. Yes I want your help, I want your love, it is this that scares the hell out of me as I don't know how to receive it.
You see I really know very few people here, and my pride stands in the way of asking for help. I really admire the family unity I see around me; I have some amazing yoga students and co-workers. I know in their hearts they do not want to see me suffer or anyone else for that matter. When I moved here. My finances were limited so I looked on craigslist for a place to live and met an amazing guy who is married to a sweet beautiful woman. Our friendship has grown, he helped me with the studio, and has been very supportive.
You see in my head I make myself lonely, while in reality it is far from the truth. This is where the idea comes in that I am not my thoughts (Byron Katy) I am much more than that and my heart is filled with gratitude. On April 29 I am having my hip replaced, I am very healthy and will heal fast. I want you to know this so that you can share what you are going through with others. It is through sharing that we help heal the world. I appreciate your love and support and look forward to teaching you yoga by May 15.