Why is it that at times I am so insecure? I crave to be liked or at best loved. From the deepest part of my heart I want to be accepted, in my desire for acceptance I find myself creating a story about a situation that is not actually true, misperception. Then its like all of my child hood trauma bubbles to the surface and I act from that damaged place, I become the chameleon, changing my camouflage to hide from the truth and to come out of hiding I have to heal the damaged parts and be open to exposing my rawness and being vulnerable to the NOW. It all comes back to the NOW.

Through meditation and yoga I work to stay grounded and centered using philosophical study to keep my spirits lifted, mainly of late; through the study of the eight limbs of yoga. The Yamas, Niyamas, Asana, Pranayama, Pratyahara, Dharana, Dhyana, Samadhi. Contained within these limbs of yoga are many character traits that I desire to master, the 5 moral restraints and the 5 moral observances are within the Yamas and Niyamas; through the study of these I strive to do the right thing and I know it because of how I feel; this is feedback. I use these first two limbs to guide me into become a better version of me towards society, community and the world.

As I travel down the path of the eight limbs I cross Asana; the physical practice or poses. I use the physical practice to elevate my health, to create and manifest strength to be connected to my body in a way that I find difficult to describe but will give it a shot; “from my feet touching the earth I reach up to the sky… I engage and squeeze every muscle fiber I can right to my bones, through tension and the squeezing my muscles lengthen and come into alignment. As I age mu muscle shrink and become less elastic and more brittle like plastic, I can feel it in my knee if I don’t practice… note that, if I don’t practice my body hurts in a way that is not pleasant. Because of the mind body connection and the resulting discomfort that comes after not doing any physical exercise my mind will often stop me from practicing and I notice it as I start to feel discomfort. It is important to balance the Yin and Yang energy in my body; in my power yoga practice I balance the Yin and Yang with the restorative poses at the end of the practice, this is where I go inward and draw in the Universe into my heart to allow me a better understanding of how to be a better version of me and by the time I hit Savasana I am filled with the love of this life, the love of community and the love of self that will carry me through the day helping me be just a little bit happier.

When I was younger I was in pursuit of many things trying to master the emptiness inside or quiet the negative thoughts. What I have learned as we move into the next two limbs of yoga which is Pranayma and Pratyahara is that through us all is a life force; our breath (Pranayama) and our five senses (Pratyahara). Have you tried to hold your breath? I can’t do it forever as I need oxygen to nourish my body, to nourish my muscular skeletal system. This is all connected visa vi our brain which forms my consciousness or frames my experience to the world around me; here is where the crazy shit enters the picture, if my early frame of consciousness was not all that fabulous could it be that how I see the world not really how the world is? I had to retrain my mind to ask the question “is it true? Can I absolutely know that it is true?” I use this to frame and create and true version of reality based on a quick inventory check list that goes like this:

• Am I jealous?

• Am I envious?

• Am I afraid?

If I am ayes for these three things I have to allow myself to be vulnerable to release these through a method called “Abundant Realization” it is done by honest inventory of your life today in comparison to that of your grandma and grandpa’s life. I am surrounded by abundance and it’s only when I think I am lacking that I play small, feel like shit and hurt the people around me. By helping others I lift the world and inherently Evolve. Try this as a meditation.

Speaking of meditation leads me to discuss Dharana and Dhyana which for me are concentration and meditation. Both of which help me become clear to my life’s purpose which is to evolve and help my children evolve and help others along the way. I have a hard time focusing even now I want to go do something else like be on the beach… concentration means organizing my thoughts enough to write this, determine where to put the stupid commas… thinking about these eight limbs and how I want to know more of them and embody them more, well this is concentration. Try it. Meditation brings me into the present moment. It is important for me to stay in the present moment; it grounds me in the now; being that, “at this moment everything is as it should be”. Faith is next on my path, connecting to spirit connecting to God. My realization here is that we are all connected; sharing the same air, bleeding red, crazy in the head, but connected and vibrating trying to live at peace and be happy. Elevate your vibration and the people surrounding you will elevate with you or leave, and it’s not a bad thing. After Faith is self love, really loving myself involves hearing my own inner dialogue and language of self abuse, shifting the dialogue will change the way I feel! I use words of love and kindness layered with forgiveness, this changes how I feel about me. Next is cultivating a manageable life; what does a manageable life look like? I ask myself this and here is what I have come to grips with as poor kid working to create a better life… “a manageable life is meeting life’s commitments, causing no harm, helping others, working through my challenges, doing the work to grow and being grateful.” Some of the time I am coming from the damaged hurt place, afraid of losing something I have, or not getting something I want, this can create a mis-perception that evolves into a story thats not true and I end up in crazy land. To stay out of that negative energy filled theme park requires an inner faith, connection to the present moment, gratitude and self love and I must be vulnerable to let people in instead of run so fast that you don’t get to know me. When I take an honest inventory of my life and review where I am now, where I want to be next month, I see the perfection of the present moment, I actually feel it and it is peaceful. I see the road I have traveled and am grateful. If you want to know what peace and happiness is I describe it like this; “go back to your favorite childhood memory, tap into the feelings you felt that gave you this memory… the present moment feels just like that… become aware of how you feel right now… welcome to your present moment, it is perfect.” I believe It is important to know that when I am taking my last breath I get none of these moments back, so how long do I want to be unhappy? Stay out of the future and surrender your past; make plans and do the work to come into alignment and the Universe will do the rest.

SAMADHI- The eighth limb of yoga, Contentment. I like the idea of earth, wind, fire, water; the elements that create energy. Every day the earth gives me life, supports my life I am grateful for this earth. Every Day I feel the love of the earth with her wonder and her beauty I am grateful for this earth. Without this earth I have no life, I cannot control the earth what is my purpose for this life? I have a body and brain yet I cannot breathe water or fly through the air what is my purpose here? In this body to evolve and help others. I have little time left to experience the magic of this life I am content with the knowledge I am gaining about this life and I am content in knowing that my life is about evolution of our species, so that I may know peace, happiness and being content causing no harm to others.