One of the challenges we all face is the uncomfortableness of our decisions. I spent 30 or 40 years trying to please everyone and ended up insecure and unsure of who I was. As I embarked upon this journey of yoga my head was a mass of confusion and fear, which is strange as I had been studying the Course in Miracles, reading Ann Lamott, Maryanne Williamson, Thomas Merton, Sun Tzu in an attempt to find my path or to find myself. What I was missing is the true application of the readings as a compilation instead of each standing on their own. The human condition; my human condition seeks community, a belonging or acceptance and appreciation, I have felt this over time but it has been fleeting, coming and going. What's different now? I suppose we should go back to the beginning; in Hinduism the sanskrit word "Sanskara" is defined as the culmination of experience one has from birth to death. These experiences shape our lives and shape our minds. I grew up in a very reactive family, I didn't really like it; the reactiveness at a young age I began to pursue an escape never staying in one place long enough to allow anyone to get to know me. I took jobs that fed this desire to remain distant and I ended up alone, in retrospect I feel that the challenge I faced in my life was standing in the storm, dealing with the feelings and nurturing that inner confidence and trust of self. This inner confidence should not be confused with the EGO; on the contrary the EGO is what kept me from trusting, kept me from developing real relationships and essentially if I had a choice or say in the matter I would choose differently. I have dealt with this by using a rational view or understanding of my parents Sanskara's, or their experiences, their percents experiences dictated or defined who they are and how they responded to the world.
I was married in my mid thirties and divorced 12 years later, my wife gave birth to three boys, Michael, Liam and Jeremiah; unfortunately Jeremiah had Trisomy 18 and did not live. Many of you have heard me speak of my former wife and my two boys, you may have had the pleasure of meeting them. When I was experiencing the death of my marriage I was broken and damaged and was feeling totally unloveable, the time was very very dark! In that space I had no love for myself, I was giving up. You see "my story" from my Sanskara was this; I wasn't going to get married because I didn't want to experience divorce, I didn't want my kids to experience it and that which I dreaded most came front and center. I was born in 1963 in Bozeman Montana, my father I never knew because he and my mother divorced shortly after my birth. I have heard stories but in truth they are just that stories, without the experience of knowing him the stories never touched my heart. Some time after the divorce my mother moved to Utah and remarried; in part I think out of survival, the survival of her children. My stepfather was not a kind man, myself and my siblings were treated with a strict discipline. i remember my first trip to the "woodshed" it didn't contain wood but was a place where no one could hear my screams as I receive the lashings of my stepfather. My crime? This is unclear but it had something to do with a 5 year old's ability to discern the true from the false. I recall the words don't lie to me, tell me the truth, well I had no clarity on the truth and this began the doubting of my heart and cracked open the door of insecurity. While this is a reflection of the beginning for many years I fed this insecurity and lack of trust, I attribute it to self will or self reliance and more importantly lack of faith.
The Shift Hits the Fan
In 2011 I went to Hawaii oh how awesome, I had been practicing yoga for a short time and was diving into the deep end with my first Baptiste training. On the first night the Baptiste team had the large room set up and on the walls were many posters about Baptiste Yoga the one that stood out and resounds in my heart was "You Are A Concern for Looking Good". I meditated on this and thought about it for a long time, what it meant was a culmination of my whole life, how I lived in an attempt to do or say the perfect thing so that I would be accepted and that you would like me. Thus started the changes on the inside, it not always smooth sailing when you start to change, you no longer accept being treated poorly and you no longer accept the lie that we tell each other and you begin to look for the truth. The truth is this we are living one very short life, in this life if your intentions and attitudes are right minded you will find joy. If your concern is to ease the suffering of others, evolve as a human being and take a stand on who you are and what your a stand for you will find joy.
Joy and happiness come from the present moment, this moment where ever you are whatever you are doing be here in this moment.
Do the work find healing.