The World

I am glad I was born in the USA, a white guy. I dodged the oppressors and fight to not become one myself. I am very grateful that our states and cities have not seen war, it seems there is so much more happening here than we know or understand. One thing for certain the war machine doesn’t discriminate, fleeing war is always the best choice. Where would you go if there was a war? What would you take? Why? This causes me to pause and think about my life, how it is very cushy in comparison to many. I hope that it stays that way. Life today is easier than its ever been and it continues to get easier, at least for me, I suffer and have to work but I feel very strongly about this. Here is how I get there; I went to a very poor nation to work as an expat in an oilfield, I lived amongst the people; albeit much much better, the only way out was through a bush plane or the desert to the north, or Cameroon to the west, one of my favorite memories was eating mangoes that I purchased from a woman who was carrying a gunny sack of them on her head. People worked to survive, why do you work? I looked at this question and came to believe this; I work to evolve, my evolution will help my children evolve. Being an American makes this evolution safe. Being able to think freely, sleep with whomever I choose, with whatever sex I choose, our country continues to root out shame and we all continue to evolve. Part of the hindrance to evolution is disagreement and conflict; conflict never feels good for anyone; it leads to war, to separation and to injury albeit physical, mental or emotional and no one is spared. I really find conflict a fight for power, who has it, who wants it and how they are approaching the task of attaining power. When I decided to open my business I created a path for my own personal power, a way to release the lie the mind tells and stay grounded in the reality of now, it really is a practice that works. Mental conditioning to become aware of the thoughts I am having, through that I can sift and sort discarding the thoughts that do not serve me however, its work This is real work and I walk the border sometimes of thinking I am crazy with some of my thoughts and then boom I am hit with an affirmation that I am not bad crazy or stupid and that I am on the right path, to trust my instincts and listen to my gut… even when others are trying to sway me. If I can grow up in Utah in a single wide trailer, pass through a life of poor choices, join the military, begin improving my life and survive to this day, well anyone can! This is the beauty of our country, it provides the freedom for growth and evolution, be ready now for your own transformation. If you want to discuss this more lets begin your personal journey through yoga and discussion of how to stay in the Now, Connect to Reality, keep moving forward to a Manageable Life reach out cause I get bored and lonely and love to chat with new people.

Say a prayer to help us find a way for all of the worlds people to have a safe place to live and evolve.

The first person to guess the country where I had this experience wins $100 gift certificate to Manipura.

Yoga Teacher Training

YTT Final Paper - By Anna Drakely

 When tasked with writing this paper, I pushed back and resisted the best I could for the daunting connotation I had attached to it. Taking a step back, however, and taking a moment to realize how far I have come and what walls I have knocked down to get here, I finally understand the purpose is not to stress me out nor scare me into a self-deprecating state of mind. Instead, the purpose in this final assignment is to re-visit the key elements I have learned and embodied throughout my Yoga Teacher Training journey. Presented within this essay is my perception of the three books we have studied and key aspects of each book that continue to stick with me in my yoga practice.

The first book I chose to divulge into is The Essential Yoga Sutra, by Geshe Michael Roach and Christie McNally. I have decided to bring this book to light first, although studying these concepts at the end of our teacher training course, because the sutras that I aligned with open me up to a vulnerable state which is where my yoga journey begins.

“21 – Beginning Obstacles – I.30a: Obstacles occur when the mind is distracted, and this can be caused by illness, fogginess in the mind, having doubts, carelessness, and laziness…” 

Although I am blessed to have never faced personal illness, I have experienced injuries that have ultimately changed my perspective on different aspects of life. This passage is explained with the idea that although difficult and non-ideal, illness can actually be an inspiration and bring about a lightness and form of positive perception in the end. I personally align with this thought after stumbling upon my own obstacles of tearing my ACLs three times. Although a rather repetitive obstacle and more of an annoyance than pain, I finally can look back and realize that these obstacles happened for a reason. I am finally aware of all the lessons brought along with my injuries, the knowledge I learned on the field and the realization that I have a passion for teaching people, whether it be a coach on the sidelines of the field hockey field, or in the yoga studio teaching in the front of the room. By being injured constantly in my collegiate career, I was able to take a step off of the field and for once, see the field from a coach’s standpoint. I was able to answer any and all of the questions thrown my way from my teammates coming off the field. I was able to be as much of a presence that I once was on the field, off the field. This whole idea that illness can ultimately align us to positive outcomes is where I fully align my journey and my identity.

“22 – Ultimate Obstacles – I.30b: …And by mistaken views of the world that are left uncorrected, failing to reach specific levels, or not being established in them firmly.”

The part of this passage description that stuck out to me was the concept of our “worldview.” Growing up I was always taught to smile and be polite, to bring a positive outlook on the world around me. As a child, I followed along with these practices because I just wanted to do as I was told, and I am so thankful that I did. In today’s society there is so much negativity and pain attached to people’s view on the world. No matter what your political views or thoughts on life are, it feels as though someone will always disagree and make you doubt yourself and question if you have a correct view on how you believe life should be. But this is where kindness aligns, why smiling is so important today, just as it was when I was a kid. When I go out into the world, stepping in front of our Manipura community, I remember to smile, I remind myself the teachings of this particular sutra, “True yoga is the search for a worldview that actually works to bring people happiness.” This idea has completely opened my mind to the importance of my smile, the value my kindness has on my own worldview. By being the best version of myself and presenting that to all the people around me, I take one step further into aligning my yoga practice into my daily practice of life.

            Transitioning over to the next book involved in my Yoga Teacher Training experience is the staple of Baptiste Yoga itself, Journey Into Power, by Baron Baptiste. As silly as it may sound, the first part of this book that stuck with me was in the preface. I found that this quote spoke to me in different ways from when I had first started this training to now, having been an instructor for over a year.

“Ultimately, no yoga teacher can tell you what you need—not in a pose, not in a diet, not in a lifestyle. They can give you the principles, but it is up to you to use your intuition to find what is right for you. You have to practice your own naturalness, and that is what Baptiste Power Yoga is all about” (Baptiste, 16).

From a student’s perspective, I saw this as a self-reflection moment, how when I step onto my mat, it is not the instructor’s job to tell me how to think or how to breathe or what I am supposed to get out of their practice, but instead, they are there to guide me through my practice, guide me to explore my own self-expression through each pose, through each breath. Now, looking back at these words after spending the past year teaching, I see this as a reassuring notion to myself to be proud in my practice and be okay with not having all of the answers or knowledge I constantly felt pressured to have as an instructor. So often I find myself critiquing my teaching style and going back to my words and voice and saying things like “well what I said didn’t make any sense” or things like “no one is going to take me seriously.” I find myself questioning my own authority or professionalism, are people really going to listen to the words of a 24-year-old? By taking a moment to re-visit these words from Baron Baptiste, I receive the acknowledgement that I have been searching for that it is not my job as the instructor to give people the exact practice that they need nor say the precise words that will resonate in every student. This passage has shown me that my only job is to provide guidance for all of my students, to open the door to self-reflection and meditation, to provide a space where minds are to come to stillness and to help the yoga students leave my class full of pride and a genuine sense of self-worth.

One other part I found in Baron Baptiste’s book where I could really align myself to was in the section about Control vs. Surrender. A quote that really resonated with me was as follows: “Don’t come as you are, come as you are supposed to be.” This is eye-opening to me. I am very much a Type-A personality. I am a perfectionist, to simply put it. When I am constantly living in fear of not having my self-expression and mental happiness “mastered” I feel as though everyone will call me a fraud or find it pointless to choose me to guide them in their practice. But after reading this quote and reading Journey Into Power, I feel a weight lifted off of my shoulders that I had unnecessarily been carrying, yoga is not to be “mastered” and you do not win at yoga nor self-assurance, the whole goal of yoga is to try and be better than you were before. The goal is to just strive to constantly become a better version of yourself and that is a concept I have embodied throughout my yoga journey.

            “It’s worth the little inconveniences” (Birch, 25) is the biggest lie I have ever told myself throughout my entire field hockey career. This quote comes directly from Power Yoga by Beryl Bender Birch. This quote stems from the passage titled “All Sports Injury Is Caused By Imbalance.” Initially this section of the book stuck out to me because as I stated previously, I know about sports injuries all too well. What was intriguing about this section is from first-hand experience I know how real this concept is. By over-abusing the body to constantly train for a sport, you deliberately favor one side over the other, causing a severe imbalance in your body. From this imbalance and lack of awareness/no disregard for the consequences, comes injury. Anyone can tell an athlete what could happen if they over do a drill or motion or do not properly recover and stretch but it doesn’t matter, an athlete spends their life training, a simple what-if will never stop them. Then you get into the greater threats, how once injured, if you continue to abuse your body in the brutality of your sport and regimented training schedule, you risk the chance of permanent problems or disabilities. Speaking from personal experience, I was told by the head athletic trainer at my college that if I continued to play field hockey I would risk the ability to ever pick up my future child. Did that stop me? No. Of course it didn’t. It was a mere “potential” risk in my mind. I had the National Championship two weeks away, I didn’t care what “could” happen as a result of me playing, I was going to play regardless. The result, we lost, honestly probably would’ve won if I didn’t play. I also blew out my meniscus and pushed my body through extreme pain that looking back at now, I did not need to put myself through. After reading this section, it all makes sense now. Everything I put myself through and my stubbornness was spelt out for me on the pages in front of me. Now that I am an instructor and I have totally switched over to practicing yoga endlessly and feeling the benefits of yoga, I can now acknowledge how ridiculous I once was. I thought field hockey was my life, it was a big aspect of my life, but it did not define me as a person. If I had been more open-minded and laid off the training and focused on incorporating yoga more into my life, maybe things could’ve gone a different way. Ultimately however, asking what-if’s causes nothing but regret. Seeing where I was as a person to who I am now is truly enlightening. I can finally feel good in who I am as a person and see how far I have come and how much I have grown into being a healthier, happier and much better version of myself.

            All three of these books have opened my eyes to the insecurities and self-deprecating tendencies I had thrown upon myself my entire life. I constantly felt like a failure and felt defeated when the one thing I soared to my highest level at ended from injury. By engaging in this teacher training program and bringing the practice of yoga back into my life, I have let go of the insecurities, totally abolished the failure mentality, and instead, I spend every day focused on being the best version of myself. Yoga has taught me a lot about myself and becoming an instructor could not have come at a better time. I was in search of self-worth and something to strive towards and I am satisfied to say that I have found exactly that. Yoga has unlocked so many good things in my life and has allowed me to release so much pain and regret, I am genuinely excited to watch my yoga practice and teaching continue to grow and get better throughout my life.

 Anna Drakely - Yoga Teacher 

Imagine 2020 New Way of Living

IMAGINE

MONDAY the day after Easter they lift the quarantine, this all comes back to a new way of living. The People of the World all get along; Iran, Russia, Syria, Yemen and all of the Middle East know peace. In Latin America the drug trade has stopped as throughout the USA people are turning back to nature for healing, the Land Barons and Oligarchs of the world are being identified and the influence they peddle with their money is being stopped by the citizens we elected to protect our constitutional rights. In Asia peace flows through North Korea, Japan and China all lay down their swords. People find happiness and work to prepare for what lies ahead.

It’s a new world, what do you see?

I think we can do better as a country and a world, our relationship to science and knowledge needs to have a long view meaning that we need to be able to shape our future by imagining how we want to live as a society. We need to be able to feed everyone and should make that a priority. Clean water means that we manage water responsibly and everyone has access to free clean water. All consumer packaging is to be tracked and the purchaser is responsible to proper disposal of their consumer products and packaging. The biggest risk to our world today is plastic. Worldwide we begin a ban on what ships are allowed to discharge over the side, no more trash, no more recreational commercial cruise lines, no more military vessels to dispose of waste over the side, in this day and age we can engineer a solution (more than likely robotic ships with no crew). Our lives are equally important, not one of us on this planet should suffer; what does that mean? We have the Oligarchy promoting a vaccine, when they could be investing in food production to feed the millions of starving people, once hunger is solved tackle medicine, if we improve the basic health needs of a population that is suffering, through nutrition, the next problem more often than not is corruption and bureaucratic red tape or war continues to oppress populations, this is what needs to go away, the hiding of money and wealth that is stolen from a charitable desire to improve a society. Our government may not agree with another country so we work to destabilize governments in order to affect change which is usually not motivated by an altruistic desire to improve the lives of the people; more often it is related to corporate greed and selfish desires. All of this contributes to a world that causes power vacuums which allows for gangs and bad actors to oppress a population, this contributes to polluting the atmosphere un-necessarily, it contributes to extinction of mammals on the earth something that is happening at a frightening pace. Ultimately this is asking you to have compassion, consider the people who do not have the abundance that you and I have and consider the ripple that will hit them like a tsunami, we can impact change if you will simply imagine a new way to live. No more shaming and blaming to influence the world, share your point and let’s work together as a collective world or society. What does it take to live a life that is free, peaceful, and filled with magical experiences with family and friends? It takes a collective that can come together with a desire to impact the world. If we raise our vibration we can affect change. Thanks for reading let 2020 be the year we move forward in a direction that guides the country and the world to a better place.
Aaron.

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Fathers Day 2019

I want to share with you my challenges as a father, growing up i was raised by a guy who I found out later in life was not my real father. This shaped my perspective on my whole life and through it into question, I began to be curious about the abuse, the treatment, the violence. After my divorce I was faced with a question, do I abandon my purpose out of anger and resentment? Or do I do the work to show up the best that I can? It was very very hard, I put my life at risk in 2012 going to Libya; I left the same day the ambassador was killed. After that I took a job in Danbury and tried to settle my spirit, it was hard, I was depressed and in a lot of pain. I need a reason to live, a purpose. So every morning when I would practice I would dedicate my practice to the ones I love, to my purpose, without this “purpose” my life has no meaning., my purpose are my children, my former wife, my girlfriend and partner, my family, my community. You see behind this purpose are lessons I have been taught by the many friends, lovers and partners along the way. One lesson in particular is the lesson of scaffolding, I have learned scaffolding is used to access hard to reach areas safely, I desire to create the scaffolding for my sons that enables them to reach difficult areas of their life safely, to do this is a gift. When I shift my perspective to how I desire to make a difference in the world it really revolves around seeing the areas my children want to gravitate towards, trust the Universe has their back (faith) and then… do my best to provide the support to help Michael and Liam achieve their dreams. I am not doing this in a vacuum; Siobhan (pronounced Shavaun) is the main force behind the success of these two boys, without her they would miss out on a great deal of Love. I learned this lesson from the many women I have surrounded myself with, thank you for your scaffolding to help me see clearer; this is the lesson of scaffolding, support to access those hard to reach areas that give us the best growth possible.

In order to get to this place I had to have an open mind and I always considered “what is it about my past that I dislike?” I use this as a compass and make choices based on having or creating a different experience; I really feel that this may push the boundaries of what we deem “normal”, and have learned to trust my gut, then I ask; why is the loving thing to do? When I practice this I feel then I am being a father. I don’t know for sure because I have wandered this earth without knowing my father, so to those of you who are sailing a ship of similar class, learn to trust your instincts, see the omens and take solace in knowing that you are not alone in this path, then go do the right thing and show up for others, notice how you feel? Happy Father’s Day. 🤗❤️🙏✌️🕉💫

Self Confidence

I’ve been insecure my whole life, never can I make a decision and feel comfortable that I did the right thing; I end up second-guessing myself and then fear sets in which turns into anxiety which turns into suffering. 

 I don’t think I’m alone I think many people are just like me and often go through the same thing,  however I believe there’s too those who are able to have balance naturally they don’t go through this little experience nor do they have this feeling of dread, vis vi anxiety.

What I have found that works in my life; albeit this far; is what I call the grand awakening, it’s only through my seeking was I able to find this, the seeking really is the work, sometimes moving ahead and sometimes moving backward.  Once I became aware of how my thinking was the root of my suffering I figured could change how I think, I could then alter or change my perception or begin to doubt my doubts so to speak. In my yoga practice when I step onto my mat I become centered, I use this practice to become empty making the space to challenge the mind as I struggle to breathe and stay in the energetic flow, the challenge of the mind is the subtle voice that brings me out of a pose. I have learned that the pose has a beginning and an end, same as life.  So what the fuck is the purpose of it all?  Is it to pursue as many “things” as possible?  Is it to fight, Kill, maim, dominate, blame, compare, judge, hate, aquire, own, our own species?  The age old question... however; with a daily practice of focusing and centering we can train our mind to recognize the thought patterns that create our suffering, the thought patterns that create our cancer, the thought patterns that create our suicides, the thought patterns that create our homicides. I no longer stand a victim to my thoughts; as long as I do the work, the work... feel to heal, realize the past is the past, say I’m sorry, say I don’t know, learn to let go, give up the need to be right, surrender attachment, help others, harm no one, forgive, do what contributes to the life you want to live. 

These are the highlights of the path to a greater self confident you, if you master this you can do anything you want but what you want will probably be much different than when you embarked on your journey. Know in your heart you are whole and inside the very essence of your being is love. 

Namaste and thanks for reading.

 If you want to leave a comment or would like to dialogue around this topic reach out to me  at yogi@manipurapoweryoga.com

Love A life's perspective.

When it comes to love I feel very unlucky.  Always trying to figure out how not to do the wrong thing or say the wrong thing so my partner will accept me, love me and never let me go. How often have I fallen into this pattern, participated in the pattern and been on both ends of it. 

i have been wallowing in sorrow and sadness at the loss of my love; at 54 I am heartbroken and sad, this time however I am as I said 54. While age doesn't make the pain any less what it does allow is the space for breath, the space for choice, the space for a new perspective. Now I have been hurting really bad, in the space between I find myself in inquiry asking a question "why am I suffering?"   Am I suffering because I'm in love? Am I suffering because I had hope for the future that's not going to pan out? Am I suffering because I wanted something a certain way and can't accept it this this way?  

I feel it is too complex to assign any blame to one cause of my suffering as I feel all are legit. Which is why this is so complex, relationships are based on two people's desire to grow together when the desire to grow together either is not there or goes away the relationship is doomed for failure.  This desire is really a choice made by either individual, in order to discuss this please look out for my update to this issue. 

Why I Chose Baptiste Yoga

I was depressed, the time was very dark; two women who I am very close to reached out to me and said “do you want to go to yoga?” My first class was with Phil Urso, he put me in the middle of the room, I had no clue as to the cost or what I was stepping into, it was hot, I couldn’t breathe, help me escape from this, I wanted to run out of the room.  Phil put me in child's pose, I spent a lot of time here praying “Dear God; please remove these thoughts” I began to pray for others and in that first class my head began to empty.  In my first 90 minute class I found peace.  After leaving I thought I need to go back so I went back the next day, body cramping all I could do after class is lay on the couch and hydrate, I fell in love. Yoga began to transform my thinking, my actions, my way of being, the person walking out after class was a different person than the one who walked in; this was just a start.  I then found another yoga studio and met another Baptiste teacher, holy cow in this small town there are so many Baptiste teachers; I began to be curious.  My teachers would talk about Baron this and Baron that... I wanted to find out more so I signed up for level one... in Hawaii.

Level 1 began the transformation process, it opened my eyes to a bigger picture, I found myself in a large group session clearing away the blocks, creating space for healing, in this group of 129 people here I was on the floor in a little ball crying. During this period I was very passionate; (obsessed) about yoga and what it was doing for my mind and body. I began to transform my thinking, my actions, I knew I wanted to share this possibility with others, but first I have some work to do.

The Work as I like to call it is through meditation, and inquiry, two of the Baptiste principles, Baron says in his 40 Days to a Personal Revolution "you can do yoga til your blue in the face and all that you will be is blue in the face" to transform you have to be willing to shift your whole way of being.   I became an awesome ex-husband and defined my personal philosophy towards my former wife, When I married her I said "I loved her"; is love like the trash something that gets tossed out when it doesn't work out? I committed my life to her and just because we were divorced does not change the fact that she is the mother of my children, it does not change the fact that if she needs help am I going to turn my back on her?  This little ditty of philosophy is the bomb, it has saved me from countless hours of confrontation and anguish; our two boys are rocking the world because of Baptiste Yoga and because they are important to me! Many men in the world could use this philosophy.  

I chose Baptiste Yoga to learn how to forgive, it starts in my heart, how to be curious, compassionate, kind and generous.  Learning about the yoga sutras and Hindu mythology has opened my moral world to do the next right thing, to take a stand for those who cannot be a stand for themselves and trust in God i.e. Universe.  I found healing.

I chose Baptiste yoga to learn how to understand meditation, to accept meditation.  For many years I tried to meditate, I stopped over and over because I thought I was not doing it "right", there is no wrong way to meditate.  You sit. You get present to your body.  Get present to your breath. Then you see how long you can maintain this connection, be the observer. 

Meditation led me down the road of inquiry, being present to my thoughts I can connect to what I am afraid of, I can connect to what is important, I can begin to shift and transform.  For those that have known me can see the transformation.  Stirra Sukha, the hard and the soft, (I Like the soft).

Another great reason why I chose Baptiste Yoga is because of what it does to my body, I am 52 years old with a replaced hip and I am in the best shape of my life. Using the 40 Days to a Personal Revolution brought me front and center with my diet, this combined with a regular practice resulted in a 20lb weight reduction. There is some level of pain in my body when I do not practice regularly. Through the practice of Baptiste Yoga I am able to look myself in the mirror and accept the man looking back at me and I was finally able to empty my head into nothingness.  I have dropped my story and am aware of the creative nature that comes up when a story is created and how the energy focused in this area will undermine my ability to share this with other and make a contribution to the world. Am I perfect, by no means but I strive for perfection, it’s good to have a goal.  

If you are curious about Baptiste Yoga, or about transforming your life the hardest part is stepping forward.  When the student is ready the teacher appears.

See you on the Mat.

Standing in the Storm

One of the challenges we all face is the uncomfortableness of our decisions. I spent 30 or 40 years trying to please everyone and ended up insecure and unsure of who I was. As I embarked upon this journey of yoga my head was a mass of confusion and fear, which is strange as I had been studying the Course in Miracles, reading Ann Lamott, Maryanne Williamson, Thomas Merton, Sun Tzu in an attempt to find my path or to find myself. What I was missing is the true application of the readings as a compilation instead of each standing on their own. The human condition; my human condition seeks community, a belonging or acceptance and appreciation, I have felt this over time but it has been fleeting, coming and going. What's different now? I suppose we should go back to the beginning; in Hinduism the sanskrit word "Sanskara" is defined as the culmination of experience one has from birth to death. These experiences shape our lives and shape our minds. I grew up in a very reactive family, I didn't really like it; the reactiveness at a young age I began to pursue an escape never staying in one place long enough to allow anyone to get to know me. I took jobs that fed this desire to remain distant and I ended up alone, in retrospect I feel that the challenge I faced in my life was standing in the storm, dealing with the feelings and nurturing that inner confidence and trust of self. This inner confidence should not be confused with the EGO; on the contrary the EGO is what kept me from trusting, kept me from developing real relationships and essentially if I had a choice or say in the matter I would choose differently. I have dealt with this by using a rational view or understanding of my parents Sanskara's, or their experiences, their percents experiences dictated or defined who they are and how they responded to the world.

Recent History

I was married in my mid thirties and divorced 12 years later, my wife gave birth to three boys, Michael, Liam and Jeremiah; unfortunately Jeremiah had Trisomy 18 and did not live. Many of you have heard me speak of my former wife and my two boys, you may have had the pleasure of meeting them. When I was experiencing the death of my marriage I was broken and damaged and was feeling totally unloveable, the time was very very dark! In that space I had no love for myself, I was giving up. You see "my story" from my Sanskara was this; I wasn't going to get married because I didn't want to experience divorce, I didn't want my kids to experience it and that which I dreaded most came front and center. I was born in 1963 in Bozeman Montana, my father I never knew because he and my mother divorced shortly after my birth. I have heard stories but in truth they are just that stories, without the experience of knowing him the stories never touched my heart. Some time after the divorce my mother moved to Utah and remarried; in part I think out of survival, the survival of her children. My stepfather was not a kind man, myself and my siblings were treated with a strict discipline. i remember my first trip to the "woodshed" it didn't contain wood but was a place where no one could hear my screams as I receive the lashings of my stepfather. My crime? This is unclear but it had something to do with a 5 year old's ability to discern the true from the false. I recall the words don't lie to me, tell me the truth, well I had no clarity on the truth and this began the doubting of my heart and cracked open the door of insecurity. While this is a reflection of the beginning for many years I fed this insecurity and lack of trust, I attribute it to self will or self reliance and more importantly lack of faith.

The Shift Hits the Fan

In 2011 I went to Hawaii oh how awesome, I had been practicing yoga for a short time and was diving into the deep end with my first Baptiste training. On the first night the Baptiste team had the large room set up and on the walls were many posters about Baptiste Yoga the one that stood out and resounds in my heart was "You Are A Concern for Looking Good". I meditated on this and thought about it for a long time, what it meant was a culmination of my whole life, how I lived in an attempt to do or say the perfect thing so that I would be accepted and that you would like me. Thus started the changes on the inside, it not always smooth sailing when you start to change, you no longer accept being treated poorly and you no longer accept the lie that we tell each other and you begin to look for the truth. The truth is this we are living one very short life, in this life if your intentions and attitudes are right minded you will find joy. If your concern is to ease the suffering of others, evolve as a human being and take a stand on who you are and what your a stand for you will find joy.

Joy and happiness come from the present moment, this moment where ever you are whatever you are doing be here in this moment.

Do the work find healing.

Rolling Stones

I am coming to the understanding of why I have lived my life like a stone in a river rolling along with the current and not really staying in one place for any extended period of time. This is unlike the water plants growing in the river; their roots holding them in place against the current even as the rains come and the river grows stronger the plants stay firmly rooted in place.

Unlike the plants and the stone; the mind is what causes me to stay on the move, it's the uncomfortableness of sitting; sitting with thoughts or feelings of worth, loneliness, sadness and grief. I began to look at this and realized when I had them and when I didn't, what I found is profound and enlightening. When I have a daily practice of meditation this can sometimes exacerbate the dilemma as my mind was I disciplined to question or be curious as to the truth behind the thoughts. The Truth meaning can it pass the same test that philosophers have posed around the universe and wether or not we are even real; for example Descartes stated "I think therefore I am" meaning if I can think then surely I exist; frequently my mind will have thoughts of what is this life all about my struggles with loneliness and depression. I really believe that perhaps I am not the only one who has thoughts like this. What is true and profound is that these thoughts pass, they don't stay around for long, unless I give them power and energy, then they are detrimental to my mental health. I have found that focusing awareness on the present moment, honoring the here and now, combined with a daily ritual; a walk, silent meditation or prayer these feelings do not come up or when they do they pass quickly.

For me this is my life's work, I have seen many people experience this similar experience and when we become curious about them and realize their origin (in our mind) we can then begin to get control over our thinking. The old adage holds true, right thinking leads to right action.